What's really going on backstage


I didn't lose, it was my decision to let them go and it was gain.

It’s Sunday and I’ve spent it reading through my old d-land entries. Wow, it’s crazy to see how much I have grown since then. I really did make so many excuses to have communication with S. Being with someone like him or J is such a scary thought. They just live for themselves doing what they want to do no matter who it hurts. I guess I could also say the same for myself. I really must’ve been desperate for intimacy. It’s like I have these jerk-googles on and I can only give my heart to the ones that fit that bill. Although, of course they are not jerks at first but so charming and direct. I don’t consider myself easily one over but I think that just makes them want to go after me more like some kind of conquest. It’s no wonder I am done with the whole Love game. I am good. I am going to just continue to live my life for God and forget about the past. Everything happened for a reason and ((I)) left Sidney and Jeremy for a reason. They were not the men I needed them to be and for now I must concentrate on the Woman that I need to be. After going to South Africa, designing my own-t shirts, fundraising and doing my Mastered Art Direction program. God is making so many of my dreams come true and it’s all without them. If God thinks I need a love interest in my life, he will put one there but for now I am learning so so much and I am actually able to do so so much with my design and career. I don’t compare myself to Kjersti or Kyisha we all have our own journeys the one thing we have in common is that we once loved the same man.

Every day is a battle, but l must say the decisions I made weren’t without reason and while I may not have kids or be in a relationship, that has been the choice that I have made. If I do have kids I want to be able to build them up and support them, not resent or belittle them. If I am in a relationship I want to be secure and trusting, not a jealous weakling. All of this takes work, faith and prayer. I cannot stop trying, because if I give up then I have really lost.

7:05 p.m. - 2017-05-28


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