What's really going on backstage

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want something that doesn't exist

I hadn't binged in a long time and I wouldn't exactly call this a binge. All I know is that I was still full and I wanted to eat ice cream and kept eating it even though my stomach was saying that's enough.

I couldn't help it.

I kept thinking of that line

"You know you weren't on my mind or even around at that time "

Which wasn't what he told me last time.

Last time he told me, he did think about me and how he would have to explain it.

Which goes to show I can't really trust the things he says which I know I should know by now.

I never did post the letters I wrote him months before he was married, that I was letting him go because of my devotion to Christ.

Which he didn't even try to understand but just took it as me rejecting him. That's all he saw it as.

So today as I lay on my couch, constantly checking my phone, the line repeats in my head

" You know you weren't in my mind or around at that time. "

I am like maybe not to you but as for me you never left my mind and I was still around with the same email address and phone number. I remember days after they were married looking up her facebook page to see them on the dance floor as a newly married couple which left me numb. She was really beautiful.

He thought I no longer wanted him.

I am like wow, you really don't get it. That letter was not about not wanting you but about not wanting to lead us both to hell, which I still don't.

I guess I am the one who wants her cake and eat it too, it wouldn't be the first time.

He is my greatest love and my greatest persecutor.

Our relationship has proven not to be a healthy one.

He is my drug of choice. He is my "wine" in this scripture.

Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has strife? Who has complaints?
Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes?
30 Those who linger over wine,
who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.
31 Do not gaze at wine when it is red,
when it sparkles in the cup,
when it goes down smoothly!
32 In the end it bites like a snake
and poisons like a viper.
33 Your eyes will see strange sights,
and your mind will imagine confusing things.
34 You will be like one sleeping on the high seas,
lying on top of the rigging.
35 �They hit me,� you will say, �but I�m not hurt!
They beat me, but I don�t feel it!
When will I wake up
so I can find another drink?�

How can I expect him to "get it" when it comes to salvation, when I have shown to be a poor example of someone who "get's it". I've basically shown that it isn't worth that much and that I am willing to sell out, at least a little bit.

Even if he was a disciple, I would want him to be a serious one like P.Lao or D.Klemens or J. Lindley

Wow. I think S was right, I didn't want him for him, I want the him in my mind, " A church him" which doesn't exist.

10:02 p.m. - 2013-05-09

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next