What's really going on backstage

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You dont see right through me.

You manipulate my soul, I don't know why I even bother.
I guess that little girl in me is dying to get out.
She once was in love with a funny 17yr old. who always got his way and drove the girls crazy.
How special I felt that he chose me, but did he really?
I mean he took my enemy to the prom and kissed her at that.
Should been a sign of what was to come.
Still he weaseled his way back into my heart
and would stay there for a very very very long time.

Oh how I become so weak when my soul is not tied to the rock.
It then becomes susceptible to anything.
sadly for the last year you have been that thing.

Have I loved others, yes I have. Not the way I have loved you.
Still, I won't give up my relationship with God for anyone
and if someone really loved me they wouldn't ask me to.

In a couple of months you will walk down the aisle with another.
I wish I could say I am happy for you but how can I be when just
a couple weeks ago you told me you still loved me. I guess all
that can be realized here is who you really love is yourself.

I may seem like I am in a pit because it is hard to give you up
and you would probably come out of a bag to me if you read this
but your the one who is in a pit. You're about to get married to a woman who you may have feelings for but I know one of them is not respect. God help her.

It's funny how when I was a teenager I would write on paper about you trying to make sense of it all when it really didn't make any. And now here I am a grown woman now typing on my laptop about you. Trying to make sense when it really doesn't make any once again.

I don't look down on you, I care for your soul and my how the tables have turned haven't they? But it's ok, we all go through what we have to go through. I thought I was done with my immature ways of biting into what is bitter out of hunger.

I wish you would come back to me, I really do. But without God as the center we really stand no chance in this corrupt world. So I must brave myself into destroying the memories of our love. I just can't bring myself to, but then how am I to move on.

How can I ever move on ???? You tell me how am I ever supposed to move on?

I must hold on to the one true thing I know which is God. Not the fake God of religiosity but the real true one that saved my soul from the pit when you weren't around because I just could not trust you again.

You say I will find love or true love will find me and although those are just words for you to say them makes me realize just how you haven't changed and how you are still that manipulative man I have always known. How K2 deals with you I don't have a clue, but I have witnessed something so much greater and this is not a case of something being better than nothing,

You have had a long time to deal with the fact that there is no us and well me, I have yet to be able to swallow that reality but I must. The first step I am taking is believing that if you wanted to be here. You would be and that is the absolute truth. If you wanted to be in my life you would do whatever you had to to be here. I hope it is worth it in 5yrs when your daughter is out of the house and you are back to smoking your nasty cigarettes, watching sports and drinking beer just to realize there really could've been so much more you could've done with your life.

As I nail this nail to the cross and let go. I know you will always own a piece of my heart and a piece of my soul.

<3 your babydoll.

- 2011-09-02

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