What's really going on backstage

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my holidaze are always such a mess II

My life is a mess, once again.

Everything is chaos.

My bank account is in the negative.

I don't know when I am going to get my check.

I am so ashamed embarrassed that this is where I am at AGAIN.

I need to be there more for the girls in my group.

I have two creative projects that I need to finish.

Holidays are around the corner and I have only bought one present.

My bills are due.

I need to pay for our car to go visit family for the holidays.

See what not planning has gotten me,
This time I do care because I want to be able to give to my loved ones. It seems so easy yet so hard. Even though I was broken once again this time from my own mother. The thing I need to realize is that by me not taking care of my responsibilities yet again. Others are affected by it. I stunt my spiritual growth and I can't move forward I just end up stuck. All I ask is to have someone to love who loves me, is that so hard. How can I be in a relationship when I live in such folly. Something has got to give. I know God really wants me to learn not to put my confidence in him no matter what.

This time I want to respond different not by shutting down but persevering through and being more grateful. I have wasted in more than enough time in shutdown mode(check out) Things don't have to be as great as they are, but they are because of God and the ones that allow themselves to be used by him.

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- 2010-11-18

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