What's really going on backstage

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Shifting Heart Gears

Gosh, I am realizing how much going to my parent's house in the beginning of the month really screwed me up. I feel so disconnected to God. I know I panicked and felt that I needed tangible things on this earth in order to be "normal" in front of my family & their friends.

Especially a husband. I have time. I mean I am on God's time not on other people's.

I much rather be a fulfilled single with God than a miserable wife who settled and rushed into things. I think of who I was before I left, and I was hopeful. I came back feeling hopeless, defeated & pathetic.

One good thing though is that I feel that the brokenness that came from feeling all that sorrow has allowed me to surrender how my group is going. I feel like I can relate more to their struggles now more than ever. I know that they just need a supportive friend and a listening ear. Maybe that is why I went thorough that. I sure feel like a load has been lifted in that department.

So where does that leave my re-connection with SS? I am not sure, but I do know that seeing him has become way more important than it should. It's time for me to be sacrificial and be concerned for his well being and not just how he makes me feel. Oh that is so hard, especially because he was the love of my life.
I still need to show God that nothing and I mean NOTHING comes before him. Pray about it with the heart that if it happens to happen great, but if not then it wasn't God's will. SS is the one rejecting God. All I can do is pray and ask others to pray for him as well, which they are I am SO grateful. That is so amazing that my friends will take the time to pray for someone they don't even know.

When I become reliant on SS to make me feel worthy, special, happy or important something is wrong. I need to feel all those things in God. Separate from SS. Love, real love loves out of a full heart not an empty one waiting to be filled up.

S,
You are still near and dear to me but I am not waiting for you to fill me up and make me whole. I needed to separate from you because you didn't want to know God and I already enough of a sinner without being divided in my heart. One should not be yoked with an unbeliever. Once someone puts another before God that lover will turn against them and they will have nothing. I have already experienced that before.

Only God is real love, only his love is unconditional and can satisfy. A human's love is so faulty and cannot be trusted unless has a foundation and continues to be rooted in God.

Yes, ahhhh I feel so good to be coming back to life instead of that sad little desperate girl who is yearning for your phone call.

If it is the Lord's will we will be together again, if not God is still my rock and will never desert me. He will always be by my side. He will always renew me and give me hope. He already has my life and future planned. I sure hope that you are in it, once and for all but if not, I'll be O.K.

wow. I'll be O.K.

Love Forever,
N

- 2010-11-20

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