What's really going on backstage ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It Needs to Stop: It's been a week since we've talked. It's been a week since we have spoken. I must've cried at least a handful of times. Why do I do this to myself? My poor friends having to listen to the same sob story over and over again. Just like when his daughter was conceived it is so completely hard to accept this reality. His daughter ended up being a blessing and she's so beautiful. I knew he would always make a great dad, I just thought I'd be the mom. But I just could not get back with him and this is why. He plays with my heart, all at the cost of getting what he wants out of me. I mean it's no wonder my parents did not want me to date him nor God now. Sure he is so special to me as my first love and love of my life but there is something in me that knows I can't be with him with his disregard for my fragile heart. Now as a Christian, my heart is even more soft and cannot be tossed around like a football and left to fall on the ground. It needs to be guarded it needs to be cherished, it needs to be cared for. We talked/texted for about 6weeks. From March to Maybe now though I need to think of myself as God's woman. I went to some pretty dark places in my past trying to escape the pain that he and others had caused me. He wasn't there to help me get well, but God was. Now he wants a piece of what God has restored. What he did not care for. I am sure it's been tempting for him, seeing me again. People say I'm ageless but I know there will come a day when my outward beauty will fade, will he want me then, or will he be like he has always been self-serving no matter the cost. It's time for me to value attributes in a man that are of greater worth. Such as **** Honesty ***** He has had no problem telling me how he had lied to his wife about my phone number appearing on his phone. Honesty is practically unheard of in this world. Like my mom says "Your not lying, your just not telling the whole truth." So twisted. I have had the great pleasure of learning to live by Truth and it has brought such great peace. I love having friends that don't judge me when I tell them embarrassing facts about my life. I don't have to pretend or create this facade just to impress. I can be me, flaws and all. Other things that are important Integrity, Humility, Faithfulness Things that are sure hard to have but we still should strive for. He thinks desiring to achieve such things is foolishness. But the real question is why do I still love him so much, even now that he is married? I know that I have to accept this reality that it is over between us, regardless of his words declaring he loves me more than his wife. Gosh, that makes me appear to be the one who is in the wrong when I was there first. But, I wasn't around when he met her. I remember wishing him the best in his life and really ok with him moving on in the past. Because I knew I had something greater and whoever I was going to be with was going to share in my appreciation of this amazing gift. I think somehow I have lost sight of Christ and the Cross. I have not been fixing my eyes on Jesus. I have been glued to Social Media which is all about your eyes can see. What I really have cannot really be seen on social media, it can only be felt inside and experienced in the heart. This has really been a test of how much I value my salvation and relationship with God. God never promised me this glamourous life with this fine husband. That wasn't why I became a Disciple of Christ in the first place. I was supposed to leave it all behind me but like some of the characters in the bible, during the summer of 2010 I took matters into my own hands and started talking to S again. Things were not going the way I wanted them to be going and my heart felt shut off. Talking to him again and my heart was lit up just like old times. But what I did not consider was how much pain I was in store for since he was already invested in a relationship. When she picked up the phone she sounded so mean and angry. It was fun to reminisce with him. But I did not guard my heart and caused myself a world of pain as result. I thought somehow a light would come on for him and he would give studying the bible a chance and be the one that could share my gratitude for what God gives in becoming a disciple of Christ. But how could I expect Sid to want what I have, when what I have hasn't been enough for me? When I have expressed my dissatisfaction with my life and being single. If I really abandoned my heart fully to the Lord I would not be in want and that would be evident. When S sees that in me, not only does he not recognize me but he persecutes me. We obviously were not made for each other. How can I think we could work when we started off on a foot that created deceit for both him and I. I guess I was thinking crazier things have happened but God's grace is not a license to sin. We all reap what we sow. I have sowed going back to loving someone else's man because I had no respect for their live-in relationship but now they are married and there is a ring on it which means for me "Forget it" I don't want to hate him, but I do. I hate him for marrying her. Even if he explains that he thought he wasn't going to talk to me ever again and what not, he still drew that finish line to me and him. Even if they were to get a divorce. I will not be an afterthought. I will not be a default. S, You did not fight for me like a man should fight for the woman he loves. You let me go because you had someone who puts up with you and that you finally said that you do love, so good luck with that. I vow to not go snooping anymore. I will not look at her facebook page or your online profiles. I will put this all behind me because I am only causing myself increasingly great pain. And while I may deserve it for even talking to you again, it needs to stop. It needs to stop. I will once again allow God to heal my heart and you, well you can explain to your wife why your internet history is full of looking me up and other things she may find. (texts/emails/pics) Because like I've heard. A Marriage with God as the Center can be like Heaven on Earth but a Marriage without God as the center can be like Hell on Earth. - 2013-04-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||